Child Free by Choice

I have been doing a lot of "soul searching" recently, and one thing that has bothered me lately, and that is that all though I have sexual urges, I don't want to reproduce. I thought seriously there was something wrong with me. More so then usual. So, being bored waiting for some friends to show up, I went to the internet and typed in the simple phrase "I don't want Children". Apparently I am not alone (at least not in a global scale...here in Utah, is a different matter altogether). There are orginizations out there, made for those of us who just don't want kids. There are a lot of compelling reasons to not have kids, so for an example, I will list some that I have found while surfing

1) I am still trying to get my life in order. Until I've done that, it is unfair to bring one into the world. I love this one, for those who know me know that my life is far from in order. How am I supposed to bring another human into this world if my life isn't in order?

2)Until I've found a place where it's physically and psychologically safe to raise a child, I'm not going to bring one into the word. Not sure I agree with this one, but it is a point none of the less.

3)Until the thousands of children who are already born and need food, clothes, homes, parents, etc. are taken care of, I'm not going to bring another child into the world just because I want one that looks like me or has my genes. I like this one, because there are a lot of children out there who already born who don't have what they need, so why should I bring another one in, when I am not sure I can take care of it properly. This is also a good argument for adoption as far as I am concerned.

So, my big reason for it? I don't want to pass on my mental problems to a child. If I was going to bring a child into the world, I would want to give them the best possible start they could, and I know I just can't do it, and I choose not to do it. Even if I could produce children, I wouldn't.

And yes, for those who know me. I do feel lonely, and this is just shooting myself in the foot, but I would rather be alone then having to date someone who is set on having children someday and knowing I would let them down big time. It will take longer to find someone, I don't deny that, but I am willing to wait for that someone who knows what I mean, and would still love to spend time toegether.

EDIT (Feb 07, 2007):
Hmmm, maybe I am over thinking this, as usual. Maybe I am just not ready for kids right now. And may not be for quite sometime. The fact is, most people I seem to talk to want kids in the next few years. I don't. 5, 10 years down the road maybe, but I want to enjoy life first, and I guess I have to find someone who doesn't want kids immeaditly, and is open to discussion of choosing to be Child Free...

Anime Review: Adventures of the Mini-Goddess DVD 1 'The Gan-Chan Files'

From the rentanime.com site:

Super Small = Super Cute! Whenever Keichi leaves the house, Belldandy, Urd and Skuld shrink themselves to play with the other residents of the area - including their clueless rat sidekick, Gan. Whether it's a battle against Gan-zilla or adventures in kitchen appliance romances, the goddess adventures are dangerously funny! Gan: Although frequently the butt of the goddesses jokes and the victim of their mistakes, Gan the rat persists in his absolute devotion to Belldandy and never questions whether Urd and Skuld may be dangerous for his health...

My Review:

Pretty good time waster...but not all that great to think of as anything else. Basically it is fun to watch once, maybe twice to say you have seen it, but don't expect much more then a pleasent distraction. I still can't get used to the deformed look of it, though it is cute, it just doesn't look right to me. And the voices are much different then what I remember of the original series...but I am used to the original series more then the mini-goddesses. Overall, I would give it a 3/5

PostSecret: Staying sane in an insane world

The more shit that hits the fan, the more I realise I am not sane.

Why do I start off that way? Because things haven't been going the greatest, and I realise more and more, that I am not as sane as I thought. So how am I holding on to any part of reality? I found a site, or rather a blog, a long time ago that helps me realise that my feelings, and thoughts aren't that off the beaten track. There are people out there that more or less go through what I go through, or think, or feel. This blog is PostSecret. You can find it at

http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

These people are real people (supposedly) that make postcards about their inner most thoughts, feelings, secrets. I read it weekly when it updates on sunday, because it makes me know that I am not alone. For music fans, it may be of interest that the All American Rejects had a song/video portraying postcards from this site. Well, this is where it started. There are books now that features all of them, with a new on coming out.

Yeah, this sounded like an ad, but it does help me feel not alone, or out of touch. Now if only I could get a hold of myself and my emotions...

The Black Parade

Ok, just listening to MCR's (My Chemical Romance) latest album The Black Parade. Wow! It is an awesome album, each release by them just gets better and better. While over all the album deals with death, sometimes serious and sometimes lighthearted (at least is my eyes. And yes I am weird...), the music is still strong, and powerful, and dare I say is sometimes moving. I am going to go through the whole album songs, and give you my thoughts on it.

THE END

Great starting song, gets your revved up, and although funny (got chuckle at giving a resignation in drag) it seems to have a side show feeling to it. Not necessarily bad, but it certainly gave me the impression that the whole album was taking place at a side show, when clearly some of the songs don't fit in that description, very few in fact. Still, good music.

DEAD!

An interesting song, but good. The End leads right in to this song. If I hadn't read the lyrics, I wouldn't have known. Basically, a love story. Won't spoil it for you, but in a sentance, it is of a boy waiting for his love in heaven. Never thought I would see MCR right a positive song, but they did. And what is even better, they pulled it off while still talking about death. Extra points for that!

THIS IS HOW I DISAPPEAR

Over all, the music of this song is kind of cool, and once again the lyrics are haunting. MCR seems to have a thing for murder and murderers (Their DVD following Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge was called Life on the Murder Scene). This is basically a murderer who has died, talking and asking forgiveness for murdering his victims.

THE SHARPEST LIVES

Nothing like ODs. This song was the inspiration for my horror/macabre art entitled Cannibal Glow. Yeah, I am still working on it. Kind of need skills to go along with doing art...but the sketch is done! Over all, I am not sure what to think about this song. Mostly because the words don't make sense to me. At least not altogether. The most I can figure is ODing on either alcohol, or some kind of hallucinogenic. And taking his/her last breath, is asking for one final kiss. Something like that. I think.

WELCOME TO THE BLACK PARADE

This is the first single from the album, and I love this song! Sure death comes, but that doesn't mean there won't be a party in your honor, awaiting you into heaven. I love this first verse of this song the most:

When I was a young boy, my father took me into the city, to see a marching band.
He said when you grow up, would you be, The Savior of the broken, the beaten, and the Damned?
He said will you defeat them? Your demons, and all the nonbelievers. The plans that they have made?
Because one day, I'll leave you, a phantom. To leave you in the summer, to join the Black Parade.

I DON'T LOVE YOU

This is a depressing song. And defiantly not the first on the album either. Nothing like no longer loving someone that you don't care if they die or not. I couldn't imagine anyone I have known that wouldn't affect me if they die. The thing that depresses me most about this album, is that one day I will have friends and family die, and I will be devastated. And I know I am loved enough that I will have people care about my death. This is the song that got me thinking about it.

HOUSE OF WOLVES

This song, I am not sure what to make of (yes, another one of those...I actually had to sit and listen to lyrics to actually review it, rather then just going through with the mood.) All I can make of it, is that preacher is having a hay day talking about sins, and the person who died is having regrets.

CANCER

Ok, if you know someone who had cancer, then this song will affect you (affect? effect? one of those) and touch your heart. I know it did me. I have a friend (best friend? probably) who lives in Alabama, and I saw her have days feeling like this, like it was all over, and trying to distance herself from those she loved, to try and spare them heartache. Luckily, it is in remission, and she is her joyful self again. But it is still a touching song. Probably the only song of MCR that made me emo. Fittingly, a slow song.

MAMA

All I can picture is an itallian Mob family, in their last gunfight that they know they won't make it out of, writing a letter to their mother, letting her know how awful they were for getting in a life of crime.

SLEEP

This is another one of those weird songs...MCR does weird quite well. Nothing like describing pain of dying. Didn't care for this one, but it has a great melody, it is just the voice overs that creep me out... reminds me of a visual in the SAW series. *shivers* hate those movies.

TEENAGERS

Ok, this song I hated at first, until I went back to my high school (go worst high...). I remember being an outcast, and loving the fact that once in a while we were able to scare "responsible" adults. Why did we do it? Because we got a kick out of scaring people. Could be why I worked at a haunted house, huh?

DISENCHANTED

For once, a song not really about death. More about realizing that for once, the world isn't fair, it isn't all beauty, it isn't all happy endings. Good song.

FAMOUS LAST WORDS

This is the last track (if you don't wait for the hidden track) and is a great ending. The overall song is about not being afraid to be alone, but you may get what you ask for.

Overall, a good Album. One last thought... GERARD LOOKS BETTER WITH BLACK HAIR...had to get that out of my system.

Poison

Ok, before I get to the meat and bones of this blog, I want to tell you three things.

1) This is Freeform for me. Stream of thought I guess would be more appropriate name for it. It will not make sense to anyone but me....and maybe those who can decipher my crude translation.

2) I really don't want people to read this, so please. Forget about it. It is not like you will understand it. I am not sure how to make single blog entry, read only to the owner, and right now I really don't have time.

3) For this reason, I did a very loose, and crude translation into a different language that most people who know me do not know. Please do not try to translate it back. This is really for my benifit. Yes, I am keeping the orignal around just so months from now, I know what it is I was saying. Some of you may get to know what it means, most of you will not. Please accept this and leave it as is...

Jeg elsker De. Ord ikke uttrykker hva jeg føler seg for De, men De aldri igjen vet gleden i å være holdt ved meg, eller lidensket av vår kropper trykkedd sammen i den naken i den natt. å Holde hverandre, elske hverandre, smake hverandre. De aldri vet dette. Noensinne. De vet hva jeg ønsker jeg gjort ? Forsvunnet inn i en skog. ..cut min håndledd åpner, og blør for De. å Skriking i smerte da blodet tømmer, all mens De er på telefonen, lytter til det. Med hva styrke jeg fører opp, jeg vil lykt skogen omkring meg, og da straks brenner min selv, ha De lytter da jeg skriker, brenne inn i en sprø, brenne min vev, og min innsider, og til slutt min hjerte, slik at jeg sjekker De aldri vet meg igjen. Hvorfor gjør jeg forblir venner med De ? Fordi De er min gift. Jeg ikke får nok av De, men jeg vet De er den verst ting at noensinne skjer til meg. Takk for å drepe fra hverandre av meg nå og for evig.

Falling again

Alright, so I am falling for shells again. She is doing good attempting to quit Meth, and I couldn't be happier for her. She is an awesome person, and I hope that eventually we do go out, and fall in love. She is kind, fun, has a sexy attitude on life, goal oriented, compassionate, caring, family oriented. Sure she does Meth, but I believe once she is off that, she will be an even better person than she is already, plus she will be an even stronger person for going through it. There are times that I think I am overly hopeful, but you know, I don't really care. I am going to give her my best chance, and if it wasn't meant to be, then it won't be. But I will have had experience, plus I am sure had some wonderful times. We have aruged, and fought in the past, and I know I have said somethings that I regret, and never meant, and would never say again, but we both are working on it. It won't be all sunshine and roses, but she will be there for me, and I for her. Right now especially, she needs me there to help her through trying to quit. And well, I need someone to talk to. We haven't gone out yet, but we are getting there. I have a good feeling that by this time next year we will be a couple. Hey, a guy can hope!

Going along with that, I was at Barnes and Noble last night, and picked up an excellent book on flirting. I am serious about Shells, but for our first date I don't want things to be awkward and silent. So what better way to keep the conversation going, then to flirt? And yes, I did have her in mind when I bought the book, because I am never sure how to carry on a conversation. I am getting there! And flirting really isn't just for romantic relationships, it can be worked to use meet people anywhere, anytime. Just to make conversation. Granted, I feel much more comfortable around girls then I do guys, but ya never know when something might work.

Happy Thanksgiving 2006

It is Thanksgiving again, and there is a lot in my life I am thankful for. Some good, some bad. But I am thankful for it all anyhoo.

First as always, I am thankful for my family. They mean the world to me, and though we sometimes argue, there never seems to be anything we can't put aside, or work through, and at the end of the day, or month, or year, still love each other. This point was made clear to me, yet again, by a friend of mine, who I am hoping to become close to. She was invited to a guys family thanksgiving. Apparently at this get together, no less than 4 fights broke out. Makes me realize how lucky I am to have a family, that can by and large remain calm, and talk things out and actually see each others points of views. Sure, we rib each other a lot. But in our family, it simply means you are loved. Nothing is meant to hurt, and usually it doesn't, and if it does, we can apologize it, discuss it, and move on. I wouldn't trade my family for anything in the world.

Grandma, although you are gone, I am thankful for what you have given me with your passing from this world. Not only are you now not in pain, or suffering anymore, but you have given me the greatest gift anyone has ever given me in my life. You have given me a chance to push forward with my life, your passing, weather it was meant to or not, gave me the courage to push on with my life. I feel as though when you passed on, that you become my guardian angel, and that you are a part of me now, fighting my battles with me, and giving me the courage to push on. I will never forgot this gift. You will always remain in my heart.

Second, I am thankful for the friends I have. It doesn't matter if I am just online friends, or if I know them in real life. We have a good time, and can yet again tease each other in love and respect. We have arguments, but I have never really lost a friend over something serious. This includes the RNG crowd on Second Life - Queenie, Nog, Sly, Chryss, Daph, Fly, Nib, Paca, DoC, and Cordell. These guys mean a lot to me, and though I am still increadably shy around them, and only make the odd comment, I feel like I am one of the gang. Now, there are two people I left out, and that is my SL sister Lisbeth, and my SL love, Jessica. They are like family to me, and kind of qualify as being family. They have seen me through rough times, and have even given me the best advice I can ever get.